


My secret

by AceVII



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Comfort, Depression, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:42:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27115586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceVII/pseuds/AceVII
Summary: Tsukki is use to dealing with his secret burden alone, but he doesn't have to anymore, and his boyfriends just want him to know they're here for him through everything
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 7
Kudos: 151





	1. My secret's safe with me

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 1 when I should I should've been asleep, I also wrote randomly so this literally started out as a boredom thing.

Tsukishima Kei was living what you might call a dream. He had three hot as hell boyfriends, had blissful sex every week and he was only a first year in college. He was currently part of his school's volleyball team and was once again a middle blocker. What could he say? He was a tall guy and he knew how to block unlike some people. So yeah his life was moving along pretty good so far, but good can only stay that was for so long till it starts going bad. Kei never told his Karasuno team, and obviously his boyfriends a secret about him that he was ashamed of. Only his mother and older brother knew, and even they think he's gotten help.

Tsukishima struggles with depression, and with that depression comes severe self doubt and abusive thoughts. Throughout his childhood he had always been a serious kid, and that has stayed the same up to now. Sometime in junior high was when his depression became a noticeable problem. He lost motivation to do homework, slept through most of his classes and when he was awake he didn't pay attention. Joining the volleyball team helped some, but when he found out Akiteru wasn't actual on the team, it put him right back in the hole he was barely halfway out of. He felt betrayed, no, he felt sick.

When Kei went to Karasuno and joined the team he was instantly labeled the Jerk. This wasn't anything new though, and he was use to it. He didn't try to change, he was comfortable with how he was then and wanted to stay comfortable. Course by that time doctors had started putting him on anti-depression pills, basically pills that made him more in tune with his emotions. At least that's what the doctors said they'd do. They worked for the most part, but he still felt empty inside, needing the filling that only another person could bring. However, with his state he found it hard to believe anyone would love a fuck up like himself.

Which bring us to the next stage of his life, the Love stage, oh goody. It all started at the training camp with Nekoma. Sure Kei had met the captain before the camp, he never didn't really _meet_ him. Kuroo was like the exact opposite of himself, which confused him further as to why his eyes kept being drawn to the bedhead captain. Then he was randomly invited to join the Nekoma captain and the Fukurōdani captain and setter for blocking practice. He was insulted and picked on, but he found himself enjoying every minute of it, and even smiling at some of their (mainly the captains) nagging.

In the end, all four of them fell for each other hard. Even though he had swapped numbers, and even had a annoying group chat that Kei desperately wanted to leave, he still found himself longing to be with them in person. Course with him being a first year and two out of three of them already being third years, being together long term would have to wait a while.

As soon as he graduated high school, the three older boys were waiting for him, and took him to their shared apartment in Tokyo. Kei moved in in no less than a week and couldn't have been happier. After a couple of months he found himself forgetting to take his pills, but found it didn't seem to affect him. He was ecstatic that day, believing he wouldn't ever have to tell his boyfriends, not wanting to burden them with that information.

This brings us to the current time, where Kei is wide awake in the bed he shares with his loves, and trying to keep hot tears from streaking down his face so not to wake anyone. He turns his head to the left and finds Kuroo's face nuzzled into the back of his neck as his arm is wrapped loosely around the youngest' waist. Then he looks in front of him where Akaashi was laying facing him as Bokuto was in a similar position as Kuroo against the retired setter.

He trembles as thoughts flood his mind, his own voice telling him he's not worthy of this beauty around him. Telling him he's not worthy of making it this far, or earning a place in this bed. That's when he remembers he didn't take his pills today, damnit he must've forgotten with the busy morning. With every new thought, Kei carefully pulled himself out of Kuroo's hold and off the warm bed, bare feet making contact with the cold floors. He lets out a shaky sigh before turning out of the room and into their small kitchen. He made was tea then tried to dig through their medicine cabinet for his old anti-depression pills. Tsukishima felt hot tears finally fall down his cheek, knowing he shouldn't take them this late, but he needed sleep for class the next day. 

Kei had been so caught up in digging and wiping away tears furiously, that he didn't notice a familiar owl enter the kitchen. "Tsukki? What are you doing up at two in the morning" Bokuto asks rubbing the sleep out of his left eye. The youngest spins around, tears still unfortunately falling and eyes red and puffy. He felt the embarrassment floor over him like a tsunami as he turned away from one of his boyfriends "It's nothing, just go back to bed. I'll be there in a sec" he says, trying to come up with a valid excuse.

Bokuto doesn't buy it, hearing the slight waver in his moonshine's voice "Moonshine.." he says hesitantly, wrapping his arms around Kei's waist and placing his nose on the side of his neck "Talk to me." Kei feels his throat clog up and the pathetic sound of a whimper escape his mouth, he hated himself for being so weak around Bokuto, or anyone for that matter. He just can't stop the tears from falling though, and is soon turned around and pulled into a tight Bokuto hug that makes anyone feel safe.

The sound of footsteps down the hall heading there way is heard faintly, but Kei feels like he sobbing to loud to know if his ears are right. They are, and soon two other pairs of arms are wrapped around him, engulfing him in warmth and soft whispers of reassurance enter his ears. He doesn't deserve this and he knows it, but he's so fucking selfish that he just melts into their arms and their whispers.

Soon he was picked up bridal style by what felt like Kuroo, and once he buried his face in the person's neck he knew he was right. Kuroo always smelt like cinnamon and vanilla. He was placed gently on the bed, and felt all his boyfriends curl next to him, all in someway touching him. Kuroo was again on his left, arm draped over Kei's stomach holding him tight, soft kisses peppering the back of his neck as if to tell him that they were still here. Akaashi was on his right, pulling Kei close to where the youngest' head was on his chest, hands tracing patterns on Kei's arms soothingly. Bokuto was behind Akaashi again, but this time his one of his hands was stretched over Akaashi's head and gently running through Kei's hair. He had never felt so relaxed after crying. Kei knew this was their way of staying they weren't going anywhere, and his heart soared at the realization. He would tell them about his secret tomorrow, but for tonight they all slept peacefully, wrapped in each other's warm embraces. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed my depressed writing at 1. This had no plot or thinking put into it, just my fingers typing words really.


	2. Maybe my secret's safe with you too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima knows he has to explain to his beautiful boyfriends about the previous night, but can't seem to find the right words. Maybe he should just keep it to himself...he's kept it to himself for years now anyways. What's the rest of his life gonna do to him?

Tsukishima sat on the couch a couple days later, reciting a whole speech he threw together, before mentally throwing it away. Nothing sounded right, unless he just wanted to be his blunt and normal self and just say something along the lines of "I have depression and I feel like a piece of shit daily, oh I also take pills that make me happy so I'm basically a druggie. Surprise!" No, that's stupid, and he's considered one of the brains in the relationship.

He had tried multiple times over the last couple days, convincing himself he'd find the words in the moment, but that moment never came. Two of his boyfriends were third years in college, one juggling work while the other juggles practice and games. Then Akaashi was a second year, but he too had a job, and wasn't home till the evening. In fact, none of them were, and when they did get home they were all practically dead on their feet. He couldn't throw this at them when they were all tired from making something of themselves, while he sat at home doing homework or ruining his eardrums with loud music. It was pathetic how worthless he truly was.

Back to the couch, he was so caught up in his thought that he didn't hear the front door open. He only realized he wasn't alone when a hand was placed on his head and a kiss touched his forehead, it was Bokuto, his hands are larger than the others. Before he can respond, his two toned haired boyfriend was walking to the bathroom to shower as always. Wait, if Bo was home...shit what time was it?!

He scrambles off the couch and into the kitchen to look at the clock on the stove. Damnit! It was 5:30! The other two would be walking in any second now and he didn't have any dinner prepared. Before he could even try to call take out, the sound of keys in the lock and voices outside it catches his attention. It was to late. Kuroo and Akaashi walk in, both looking tired, but greet Tsukishima with a smile anyways. "Hey moonshine" Kuroo greets, placing a soft kiss to Kei's lips "Is Bokuto home yet?" Akaashi takes Kuroo's place in front of the youngest and kisses his nose "You look scared, are you alright?" Heh, Akasshi was always the one to notice little things.

Tsukishima shakes his head slightly, clearing his head to process their words "Oh yeah, Bo is in the shower, and I'm fine" he responds hoping he doesn't sound harsh. The two don't seem to take it the wrong way and simply shrug before taking their bags to the shared bedroom. Kei lets out a sigh, running his hands through his slightly long hair, trying to quiet his racing thoughts.

_You aren't good enough, you can't even remember to make dinner for them? How pathetic. They're out providing for your sorry ass while you sit around daydreaming. They'd be better off without you_

He grips his hair tighter as tears well up in his eyes, how could he be so stupid to believe they actually loved him? Just then Kuroo walks back into the kitchen in more comfortable clothes "Hey Tsukki, are we ordering in something tonight?" he asks, not knowing what damage it'd do. Something snaps in Kei and the tears stream down like waterfalls down his cheeks "I'm sorry I can't even manage to make fucking dinner!" he basically screams, catching the attention of the other two on the bedroom who come running out. "I'm sorry I'm such a waste of space and time! I'm sorry you have to put up with my pathetic, worthless ass! I'm sorry you have to pretend you love me everyday! Hell, I'm even sorry I was born damnit. The world wouldn't miss me" he yells, finally letting everything pour out.

The three others watch this happen with eyes and broken hearts. Kuroo feels the worse, knowing his words had somehow triggered this breakdown, and that broke his soul into a million pieces. Bokuto felt tear well into his own eyes at their Tuskki's words. How could he not realize how much he meant to all of them. Akasshi stared with eyes full of shock and pain, wanting to just hold the broken boy in front of them, but also knows their moonshine need to get this out of him. So they all wait in agony as their precious boyfriend goes on and on about his flaws and things they never even thought of before.

"I'm sorry I'm not worthy of you three or your love! Just leave me already and save me the pain of expecting when it could happen would you?!" Tsukishima screams, and that's when Kuroo has had enough. He rushes forward before Kei can comprehend what's happening, wrapping his arms around Tsukki's neck and holding him tight."We love you unconditionally Moonshine" he says sincerely "and we wouldn't trade what we have here for anything or any reason."

Bokuto and Akaashi rush forward after Kuroo speaks, pulling them over to the couch and sitting down so Kei is the center of their attention. The poor boy looks broken in more than one way. How did this happen? Akaashi places a comforting hand on Kei's thigh "We'll never leave you, not even if you made the worst mistake in the world." Bokuto smiles and holds on of Kei's cheeks in his hand "Whatever is going on, just tell us and we'll do the best we can to help you."

Tsukki wasn't expecting these reactions, he expected yelling back maybe evening slapping, but not this. His eyes are widened in shock since instead of being cold, they engulfed him in warmth once again. "A-anything?" he stutters out, biting his tongue and mentally cursing himself for that stutter. Bokuto smiles lovingly "Anything" he confirms.

Kei lets out a sniffle and a whimper, then buries his face in Kuroo's shoulder, mumbling out the thing he's been trying to tell them for years now. Akasshi chooses his words carefully "Kei darling, we can't hear you" he says softly, rubbing his hand up and down Tsukishima's arm. The youngest sighs and lifts his head "I have struggled with depression since junior high, I'm on antidepressants, but they've never seemed to help like the doctors said they would. I struggle with insecurities and voices in my head that say I'm not good enough, and I feel like constant human waste" Letting all that out, those one or two sentences meant the world to him.

"Y-you really don't care?" Kei stutters out once again causing Kuroo to smile "We promise we don't care, you're still the same Tsukki we met and fell for" he responds and rubs Kei's back. Kuroo glances at Bokuto "Hey Bo baby, can you take him our room? We can cuddle till the food arrives" Bokuto smiles brightly and picks Kei up bridal style, despite the height difference Bo made it seem easy.

He carefully puts Tsukishima on their bed and pulls him onto his arms, cuddling the younger and trying his best to make him feel comfortable. Kei laid there, not fully believing that they had taken it so well. He was fully expecting harsh words and slamming doors never to be opened again by his boyfriends. He expected for the voices to be right and for him to be left alone. The realization that they were still there and prepared to support him alone made him weep tears of joy, pride be damned. Bokuto softly shushed him, peppering his neck and head with soft kisses.

By the time food had gotten there, the youngest was asleep, curled up tight in Bo's arms. Kuroo and Akaashi smile at the sight as they walk in, placing the food on the desk they all shared and headed to the bed. They crawl over to the two in the middle and all lay around their little Moonshine. "I can't believe he's been walking through all that alone" Kuroo whispers, blaming himself for never noticing since now the bad moments Tsukki had seemed so clear to him. Akaashi places a hand on their messy haired boyfriend's clenched ones "Kei has always been more reserved, we can't start to blame ourselves, not when Kei needs us to be to just be us right now" he says softly. Kuroo lets out a sigh "Yeah you're right..." he trails off a little as he stares at Tsukki's sleeping face. He's beautiful with the moonlight surrounding them and his mouth slightly open. All the hardness the youngest carries throughout the day disappears completely at night, and the older three sometimes just find themselves taking in the rare, soft sight.

They all end up falling asleep, food forgotten and the only thing that mattered was each other and the peace they found with each other tonight. Around 1 Kei's eyes fluttered open, but not from a nightmare or voices, this time it was from the soft snores of Bokuto near his ears and his hot breath on his neck. Tsukishima smiles softly and lifts his head to find his other two boyfriends curled around him, creating a warm circle around him. He lays his head back down and nuzzles closer to Bokuto, smiling and almost giggling to himself, he couldn't help he finally felt free. As his eyes shut he didn't see dark figures or sneers, he just saw his entire world surrounding him in warmth and love. His secret wasn't as safe with himself as he thought, it was more safe with them too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone thought it could use a part 2 and I agreed, so here it is! Hope this was a satisfying enough ending <3


	3. A/N

Hi! So someone told me that I used the wrong description of Kei's pills, and I felt really bad (It kept me up last night heh). So I just wanted to apologize if I offended anyone with any description I put in here, I would never purposely try to do that. Having said this I also wanna say if you see anymore wrong descriptions or info I write about, call me out. Do it, cause I'll change it as best I can to be more respectable (I went back and hopefully changed the description of Kei's pills better). Anyways sorry for the weird A/N but I felt I had to do this to actually have a chill day.

Have a good day/night!


End file.
